The Professional Golfers Association needs to rethink golf rules given Tiger
Woods' dominance, to create a little more drama. Here, then, are a few proposed
strategies to keep things interesting, culled from time-tested literary rules
Man vs. Man
- Tiger vs. The Field. The other PGA professionals, playing in threesomes,
use "Best Ball" rules. That is: All tee off; after choosing the
best drive of the three players, they all shoot a second shot from that location;
after choosing the best second shot, they all shoot a third shot from that
location, and so on. That way, each three "regular" PGA pros equal
- Tiger vs. The Photographers. While Tiger tees off, the photographer
with the biggest flashbulb stations himself in Tiger's sight-line, within
a few feet of the guy. He snaps several photos during Tiger's backswing, all
the while yelling "Tiger! Tiger! Over here!"
- Tiger vs. The Reporters. As Tiger studies difficult lies, intrepid
reporters pelt him with mind-numbing questions about his domineering father,
his racial identity and what he plans to do with the next million he's about
to win. And his dental strategy.
- Tiger vs. Kathie Lee Gifford. For her next starring turn, KLG joins
Tiger for fairway strolls to discuss Dennis Miller, Howard Stern and the relative
merits of coercive labor practices in the Far East on behalf of Nike and Gifford's
label. In response to everything Tiger says, KLG responds, "Is that
your final answer?"
Man vs. Nature
- Tiger vs. Rain. Instead of the usual PGA rules -- which suspend play
during hard rain, especially thunderstorms -- Tiger is only permitted
to play during rain. During electrical storms, he must use extra long copper
- Tiger vs. Leaves and Twigs and Bumps and Stuff. When I play golf
-- admittedly, these are not posh courses -- the greens don't look like the
emerald carpets that Tiger plays on. I have to deal with spike holes, ball
marks, leaves, twigs, sprinkler knobs, lost scoring pencils, the occasional
40-ounce beer bottle, etc. Leave all that stuff on the greens for Tiger.
- Tiger vs. The Call of Nature. This could be listed under Man vs.
Himself (see below). Tiger is not allowed to use the golf course restrooms
on the day of competition, nor is he permitted to wander into the trees on
- Tiger vs. Al Gore. While Al Gore didn't really invent nature, he
knows something about it. What if Tiger had to simultaneously play and
plot a Gore campaign strategy that let Gore showcase his love for the environment
without being tarred by W. as the archenemy of SUV's?
Man vs. Himself
- Tiger vs. His Money. Before putting, Tiger must correctly answer
multiple choice questions on mutual fund prospectuses that adequately filter
risk for his gajillions of dollars. On shots where the tournament hung in
the balance, the questions would be in essay format.
- Tiger vs. His Hat. Tiger can only strike the ball when it's fully
covered by his Nike cap, or when his face is fully covered by same. Increased
tournament losses will be offset by even higher endorsement fees from Nike,
since the Swoosh will be visible in every shot (hmm -- is that not already
- Tiger vs. His Ego. Tiger replaces his driver, 3-iron and putter with
a hockey stick, a baseball bat and a tennis racket. (Big money says he can
still drive 280 with a Bobby Orr special.)
- Tiger vs. His Boredom. Tiger replace his hockey stick, baseball bat
and tennis racket with a broomstick, a large jar of peanut butter and a rolled-up
poster of Brooke Shields. Or Brooke Shields herself. After all, Brooke is
pretty comfortable around big-time athletes. At least, until they go bald.
(Stay tuned for Tiger vs. His Hair.)